Goal Assessment. Warning, there is cursing.

I had set some goals for myself this tour and I think it is time to check in with them.

First, I had wanted to blog once I week.  And, eh, I haven’t strayed too too far from that.  Although it hasn’t always been once a week, it has honestly been more often than I expected.  It has also been messier and sometimes haphazard.  But my goal wasn’t to write a better blog, so let’s not focus on mere details.

I also swore to never check to see if my blades were dull until I started sliding around on the ice a whole bunch.  And yeah, I now pretty much wait until things feel really bad or my butt makes contact with the ice to consider getting my skates sharpened. 

My hand-standing goal seems to be coming along well. I can get into one on my first try, but I am still too scared to try it without the wall for balance. I think it’s time to confer with coach Jane about the next step.

As far as not crying on the job goes, I am proud to say that I was put to the test yesterday, and passed with flying colors.  Good thing my goal isn’t to “not act like a little baby at work” because that I would have failed at that miserably.

Also, I had stated that I wanted to find a balance between hanging out with people and spending time alone.  I think I’ve done a pretty good job at that.

But that leads me to my big super hard challenging goal, which is the not worrying about if people like me goal.  That one is driving me nuts.

We are at the half-way point in tour and it is this point that turns everyone crazy, myself included.

The lack of balance between this life and any other life you’d like to have co-exist makes you forget who you were before this tour train left the station.  You kind of forget what makes you a whole person, and instead you become a weird imitation of yourself, who wears entirely too much make-up.

For me, my crazy manifests in this over-analyzed concern of what others think about me.  I know! So self-centered!  There is about one person here who probably truly doesn’t like me, other people who may not like me for no good reason, and a WHOLE BUNCH of people who don’t ever think about me.

And I have an experiment for you.  Find one person in your daily life and decide that they don’t like you.  Then watch what happens.

Any silence between you and that person means something.  

If that person does or doesn’t make eye contact with you in the hall means something.

And if that person does or doesn’t sit next to you to eat breakfast or ride the bus means something.

And all this meaning, which was made up in your head, adds up to one big fake concern.

And this is how I make myself crazy.  

Luckily, this year, I understand that this happens.  I become crazy; it is par for the course.  But I also get that while I turn crazy, I also have my sanity, which I know doesn’t make a lot of sense, but hold on...

You see, you have two different selves working at once. Your emotional self is the one that turns crazy, like would happen in any good reality TV show, but your rational self acknowledges that this is happening and tries its best to keep the crazy in check.  It says, “Hey buddy, be cool.  No need for nonsense.”

It reminds me of my favorite moment in the “Winnebago Man” youtude video (a video of a man clearly frustrated while taping some promo stuff at work.)  

Jack Rebney is basically cursing the entire video, but offers this gem of a line while doing it:

“Listen, I gotta give a clue here now.  I don’t want anymore bullshit anytime during the day, from anyone, and that includes me.”

Which also reminds me of how one of our cast members said today, “I need to put myself in a time out.” 

Ahhhhh. At least we can recognize when we start going down this foolish path.  And admitting is the first step, right?!

So, I will now head to my time-out and try my best to enforce a “no bullshit” from myself policy.

Let’s hope I can stay there for 7 more weeks. ;)

Things I Learned in San Jose

Happy Super Bowl Sunday.  I will hopefully catch some of this game I don’t understand (football is so confusing!) in an Irish pub somewhere here in Munich.

Speaking of confusing sports, I was lucky enough to work and watch the 2012 U.S. Figure Skating Championships in San Jose, California.

Things I learned during my week in San Jose:

Ice skating is fun to watch.

There is not one cell in my body that wishes I were still competing.

I can say the above because I still get to skate and perform a lot.  I am very grateful for that.

Speaking of which, Brent and I should be really proud that we still skate together, even if we don’t like each other much (just kidding Brent.)

Also, I probably don’t wish I were competing because everyone is so damn good.  I know I’d get my booty kicked.

In certain environments, old habits must be hard to break because although I was not competing, I was still very critical of myself (see below.)

I have not mastered the English language.  Complete sentences are still a struggle.

While someone is having what seems to be their most important moment in their life on the ice, someone else is selling popcorn.

And, here is something else:

After watching all the wonderful skating in San Jose, I found myself really inspired. I now want to go home, jump on some sequin-free ice, and work on my skating skills...and my speed, flexibility, some creative lifts, and maybe even some fast twizzles.

I would describe all the skaters who made me feel this way as “inspiring," because, obviously, their skating is what makes me feel inspired.

Then I think about Jeremy Abbott. 

And I realize I wouldn’t describe Jeremy’s skating as “inspiring.”  He might be inspiring as a person, but not his skating.

This is what his skating is to me: devastating.

Watching Jeremy skate does not motivate me to become a better skater.  Instead, I want to throw my skates in the garbage and write apology letters to anyone who has seen me skate, for I have greatly wasted their time.

Because while watching him skate (and I am talking about the way he moves on the ice here) you realize that what you are watching is the closest thing to organic perfection you might ever see.

It is the level beyond the level beyond inspiring.  It’s from some other universe.  It cannot be taught or learned, it is completely natural, and it is what we all wish we had, which is why it is so crushing.

I don’t say this to make Jeremy feel bad (I would never!) but more to put into words this thing I just realized, that somewhere far beyond the land of inspiration lies the land of devastation.

Plus, we need the Jeremy Abbotts of the world to help put us in our place, which is standing, in awe, and drooling just a little...which isn’t a bad place to be ;)

Vienna. Part Two.

Vienna, part two.

Brent and I are leaving Vienna, broke and exhausted.

I think we did Vienna right.

After my family and friends left, I was determined to keep the bar of activity level right where they had left it, which was high.  

I thought, "Hey, I will pretend I am one of those professional travel show hosts.  I will go around and try different things, see different sights, and find the cool local spots, all in a matter of days, even hours." Easy.

And after one week of this, two things dawned on me.

First, these professional travel guides probably don’t do it solely on their own dime.

And second, they probably don’t also do an ice skating show or two each day.

Nonetheless, it was worth it.  Very worth it.

So, here is a run down of what was accomplished in Vienna, week 2.

-The Rene Magritte exhibit at the Albertina.

Beautiful steps outside

Thought-provoking art inside.

-The Klimt/Hoffman exhibit at the Belvedere.

-Pilobolus “Shadowland” performance at the Museumquairters.

-Phil.  Again.  And then again.  Yes, it is that good.  Try the falafel.

-Cafe di Castello.  Again.  This time for breakfast (try the egg toast with green beans and pistachios) and to leave a little note for Michael in this book:

See, we know he will miss us this week and need something to cheer him up.

-Dancing at the swanky Volksgarten.  But not so swanky that they wouldn’t let me in wearing Vans (it was a 12 euro cover, so I guess beggars--them-- couldn’t really be footwear choosers.)

-Prater.  The Coney Island of Vienna.

-Onyx bar.  A unique and surprisingly beautiful view of the St. Stephan’s church roof.

-MAK cafe.  Best place to recycle an old bottle.  Notice the chandelier:

-Dots experimental sushi.

-Vestibul restaurant.  For fancy desserts and very friendly service.  I got the chef’s autograph!

-Common People clothing store in the 7th district.  For common people, like myself and Kathrin.

-Klein’s cafe.  Small.  Good food.  Good music.  Feels like an established old school cafe for the less traditional.

A Klein’s menu.  Notice the stack of CDs in the background.

-Yellow restaurant.  Exceptional asian food across from the Westbanhof.

-And, because we just had to....the Eistraum in front of the Rathaus.  SO fun and absolutely one of the top then things to do in Vienna.

When I was doing my "European stroll," which is what I call getting lost while listening to some music, I came across this graffiti:

Three aliens, or some other outer space creatures and the words "Welcome...Life."  Either they are saying "welcome, life forms" or "Welcome Life!"  Definitely the former makes sense, but I decided to go with the latter.  I decided to welcome life this past week.  And it was awesome.

Now, as we fly from Vienna to San Jose for the U.S. Championships (woo woo) I have a new motto:

                Welcome........

Nap

Vienna is a pretty special place, which I did previously know.  Brent and I competed here twice, at the Karl Schafer Memorial, and both times hold a special place in my heart.  The first trip marked our first international competition together.  Our second trip was the first time we won a medal at an international competition (half of our grand total international medal count!)

And during both of these trips I remember loving this city.  The sacher torte at the Hotel Sacher, climbing up to the old dinning hall at the back of the Schonbrunn garderns, and  roaming the streets in the evening, ducking in and out of the various beautiful churches.

But getting to visit Vienna outside of a competition is even better.  There is no practice ice to get in the way (yep- we pretty much don’t practice while on tour) and I am way more likely to try unknown local foods and wine (the latter because our coach Robbie isn’t here with his judging eye. Just kidding Robbie.  I know, it’s just a rule.)

And, it must be noted that this past week I had a group of four “go getters” visiting, which really upped the level of activity.

And yes, I did really enjoy Munster.  But Vienna!  Vienna is one a the top-ten cities in the world.  It’s in a whole different category.

But with that comes a downside.  And that downside is that I already feel like a failure;  I just know I won’t do everything that I now want to do in Vienna.

Here is what has been accomplished so far:

-Spanish riding school:  best place to see horses prance to compulsory dance music!
(At least someone is keeping the spirit alive.)

-Naschmarkt:   best outdoor market with local specialties, a fair trade chocolate store, and a tiny restaurant named “Kim.” Obviously good.

-Madiani: delicious yet inexpensive Georgian restaurant in a smaller outdoor market.

-Demel:  best cafe to watch beautiful pastries being made while eating the delicious scrambled eggs.

-Cafe Speril: classic old school Viennese cafe with almost as good scrambled eggs.

-Cafe Sacher:  best classic Viennese setting with famous sacher torte.

-Phil: most laid-back, hip cafe that has wonderful falafel and books and records to browse.

-Cafe Dreschsler: great hang out most hours of the day. Pretty looking coffee.

-Orlando di Castello: funkiest cafe with a very unique and modern look.

-Heurigen Fuhrgassl Huber: typical wine tavern in the Vienna wine region, serving only in-house wine.  

-Julius Meinl: fanciest gourmet grocery store with wine bar below.

-1st American bar: most comfortable dark lounge that we thought was the...

-Loos American bar: famous, very small and smokey bar (I kind of preferred the previously mentioned American bar.)

-Sofitel hotel bar:  breath-taking view of the city, with spectacular interior decor to match.

-Schonbrunn gardens:  best place for a photo shoot, with scarves.

-Saint Stephan’s church: best use of lighting + stain glass

-Fledermaus bar: best place to lose track of time on a Sunday night. 60’s/70s music night!

this is actually us losing track of time after the bar.....

-Side trip to Budapest: best combination of history + scenery + nice tour guide + handsome tour guide + fun-loving tourists

Here is what is still on my list:

-Onyx bar

-Fluc

-Die Rote Bar

-Bettel-Am

-Klimt exhibit at the Belvedere

-ice skating in front of the Rathaus

-Klein’s cafe

-Le Bol

-MAK

-Sass Music Club

-Motto Am Fluss

-Viennese ball

-and some shopping!

It is just one of those cities that the more you do, the more you discover you want to do.

Damn you Vienna!   

P.S.  I love you.

Handstands, Uno, and the city of Munster

Good news. It is harder to cry while doing a handstand.  

I am thinking that it is much less a gravity thing and more a distraction thing.  I am concentrating so much on the hand standing that I can’t really give my emotions much thought.

So, getting better at handstands should help me cry less.  It’s like the expression “killing two birds with one stone” but far less violent. More like, “achieving two goals with one handstand,” or maybe just “grow a pair!”

Oh yeah, I also worked on pointing my toes for anyone who noticed the lazy feet.  How embarrassing.

Now I just have to figure out how to take this handstand off the wall.  

But enough about me. 

How about Munster?

Munster is the city we have been in these past ten days and just may be one of my favorite German cities.  It is the bicycle capital of Germany  (I am not even sure what that means, but I like it) there are a ton of students, it is easy to get around, and it is pretty liberal.

On our first day here, Brent, Jane and I walked around the city to do some “recon” for New Year’s Eve.  Jane and I had done this last year in Essen and it seemed to work pretty well.  We scoped out a bunch of bars,analyzed deliberated, then made a very informed decision on where to ring in the new year.

You see, the maturity and intelligence put into the decision making process makes the immaturity and silliness of the actual night okay.  It’s a wash.

This time, during our exploration, we found a cool-looking and eco-friendly clothing store, which led us to a cool-looking and eco-friendly guy, who then made us a list of cool-looking (and possibly eco-friendly) bars.  Jackpot!

On this list was a bar very close to our hotel, called SpecOps.  We knew it wasn’t a place for New Years, but a good place to grab a drink at some point.

That point came the following night, with Brent, Paul, Charlene, Michael, Michael’s parents and Michael’s very first skating coach.

As we walked in, we noticed was how quiet the bar was.  There was some pretty great music playing, but that was it; no one was talking.

We thought, “Oh sh*t, we are going to be the loud Americans” (who dragged a poor French girl with them.)

Then we realized that at every table groups of friends were playing good old fashioned games-- board games and card games (note- NOT video games.)  Behind the bar was an array of games to choose from.  

It was pretty nice; there didn’t seem to be a smart phone, computer, blue tooth earpiece, or social networking machine in sight, and although there wasn’t much conversing going on, everyone was participanting in some group activity.  Face to face.  Crazy, right?!

One point for you, Munster.  

So we grabbed Uno, some chips, salsa, drinks and made ourselves comfortable.  

And I feel it necessary to mention--for any of you that might place bets on Uno games-- that the “older generation” (as in Michael’s parents and skating coach) kick a** at it.  Watch out for them.

Ringing in the New Year in Munster

Happy 2012!  

We had a fun night out in Munster, Germany to ring in the new year.  

Something I have learned about the Germans is that they love fireworks.  Not the big professional kind, but the smaller ones we typically buy for the Fourth of July.  These here must be really safe though, because there is zero caution used with them.  They are lit with cigarettes, thrown over people heads, and into buildings.

Craziness, but super fun.  

So, something I learned about myself this past week is that I apparently have this goal for tour: 

I WILL NOT cry on the job.  

Last year was an emotional roller coaster.  We couldn’t quite find our confidence within the show, we were coming to terms with a nomadic existence, and we encountered entirely too much behind the scenes drama.  

This lead to some crying.  Yuck.

Since last year I have realized a lot about this job. And learned a lot about life.

And boy, if anything is clear to me, it is this:  no tears should be shed while wearing a snake outfit, or really any skating outfit (unless you are laughing of course.)

So, last Monday we were a bit tired, and we took a fall that scared me.  And disappointed me too, of course.  And I was tired, as I already mentioned.  But in that moment, in a moment where some therapeutic crying would have felt so good, I was surprised to find myself using what energy I had left to hold it all back.

As my boyfriend has often advised me to do, I just pushed my emotions way deep down.

You see, crying is sadly something that comes easy to me.  I feel like my tears are always right there, on stand-by, ready to reveal themselves at any possible moment.  You know those cool friends who are down for anything, always looking for a good time, and always ready to party?  Well, my tears are just like that, except exactly the opposite.

It sucks, but I do know I am in good company.  I have a friend (true story! I don’t pay her or nothing!) who has the simple goal of not crying on holidays. Kinda like me with my job!  She has started with baby steps, tackling Grandparent’s Day and Labor Day first, but once she builds up her confidence I am convinced she will make it through Valentine’s Day and New Year’s tear-free.

  

On a lighter note, I did come up with another goal a few weeks back.  I would like to be able to execute a handstand by the end of tour.  I see people do handstands all the time and it looks like tons of fun.  Plus it makes for such a great Facebook profile picture.

Jane has agreed to be my handstand teacher and I must say, so far so good.  She has assigned me the homework of doing three handstands per day, with the assistance of the wall.  

Actually, first she had me try one handstand with a few people spotting, to asses where I was with my goal.

She assessed zero.

So, I have my homework, I have been doing it, and my handstands are getting more comfortable.

But here is my question:  Will all this hand-standing make it difficult to achieve the no crying goal?  If my tears always on the verge of spilling out, will they spill out easier if I turn upside down too much?

Sounds like I need to take this question to the streets.  And by streets I mean the dressing room.

Merry Christmas!

I saw my last Christmas markets of the year in Nuremberg, Germany and for the first time saw how festive Sun Valley is with all it’s Christmas lights.  Overall, it has been a good Christmas season.

Christmas makes me think of gifts and gifts make me think of this:

Recently, I have grown a likeness for, let’s call it, “item matchmaking.”  I like to find things that already exist in my life, and give them to people that might like them.  

For instance, when I was cleaning out some things in Germany, I ran across a DVD of Happy Texas, the movie my uncle directed and co-wrote.  Knowing I wanted to bring a thank you gift to friends in Sun Valley, I grabbed it to give to them.  We had talked about the movie this past summer, so I thought they’d like to see it.

And when I was cleaning out my old room this past fall, I found a pink and white Hello Kitty scarf.  A few days later, I visited my brother’s family and found out my niece’s  bedroom is completely decorated in Hello Kitty stuff.  So--*spoiler alert, Diamond!*--I have left this scarf for her as a Christmas present.

But before I go patting myself on the back, I will admit that I don’t actually know if this is a good thing. Is it really nice to give someone something I found in my suitcase or my old bedroom?  Or is that mean? Or cheap?  Or both mean and cheap?

If the answer is yes to these last  questions, I would like to clarify that I do not participate in this item matchmaking out of meanness or cheapness.  Okay, maybe a little bit of frugality gets the better of me sometimes, but I do know that my motivation lies somewhere else.

This habit has manifested as a by-product of this gypsy lifestyle.  Because I have such limited space to store things, I don’t like accumulating a bunch of stuff.  Absolutely everything in my suitcase must have a purpose.  This is key.  

Therefore, there is nothing more maddening than running across something-- say a sweater, book, make-up brush--on a daily basis, knowing that you haven’t used it and most likely will not.  I feel I am just basically giving this object a free European vacation without it giving me anything back.

Unfair.

So, this is how I have picked up the habit of matching items to owners.  And, isn’t it a win-win if I can find someone who might use this sweater, book or make-up brush?

Makes sense to me.

But let me tell you about the things that can’t find a purpose or appropriate owner.

Some of us skaters have been lucky enough to inherit trunks.  These trunks travel in one of our several trucks that transports the show (the props, costumes, etc) from city to city.  This is our one source of storage outside of our suitcases.

And what seems to happen is that you stuff your trunk with things you might need, but obviously don’t use (or else it would be in your suitcase, right?)  So, when you come across one of those items that you aren’t using--that slightly itchy sweater, that kinda wordy book, or that odd-looking make-up brush--and there is no obvious home for it (like someone who would actually appreciate it) you put it in your trunk.  Just in case.

And then what happens to it?  

Well, at some point, you throw it away.  It is a bit of a  drawn out process.  Suitcase--trunk--then eventually trash.

Yep, our trunks are like traveling garbage cans.

But, like I said, that is for the items that don’t get matched.  The ones that do find loving owners with my help avoid this whole sad story!

Which leads me back to the part where I hesitated to pat myself on the back.  I think I will accept that pat now.  I think what I am doing isn’t so bad after all.  :)

Merry Christmas all.  And, you are welcome for those old and dusty gifts.